Saturday, 17 January 2009

• Girls Please Stop Lying

  To Yourselves.
  
  I haven't posted in awhile, and it's because it's been a rough week, and my head has been foggy. Still is. But this thought should be clear:
  
  Girls, please stop lying to yourselves.
  He does not define you.
  
  1. You don't deserve to be hit
  I've thrown many opinions out on this, but I want to make myself crystal clear. No girl should be in a relationship where they get hit. Period. He hits you. Get out. No excuses. When he strikes you, it's him doing it. He is controlling his body and moving on his accord, and judgment gets placed on him alone. He is acting wrong. I will stand by this statement, even through my next statement, so I want you to understand it well. If someone in your life strikes you (be it bf, friend, parent, or whatever), they are wrong. Period.
  
  I do not want anyone to confuse my next statement with the first one. Very few people in this world are Mahatma Gandhi. When someone is offended enough, angry enough, or attacked violently enough (physically or emotionally) they will usually attack/strike back. With guys this usually means physically. Slapping, punching, grabbing, holding, pushing, throwing, choking. Perhaps it's because some drunk guy in a bar insulted their mother. Perhaps it's because you insulted his mother. But, him striking you, is wrong. Maybe, MAYBE, he was provoked, and maybe that's wrong too. But striking you, is wrong regardless. Two wrongs don't make a right. They make a left. As in, you left him because he hit you. Or, he left you for dead. Leave. Period.
  
  If you find yourself in an abusive relationship that goes one way OR two ways, get out. But know this. Him striking you does not define you. You do not deserve to be hit. Nobody does. It is wrong. And if that's the relationship that formed between you two, regardless of why, or how, it's time to end it. See, there's a difference. Let's say you made him angry. Let's say you were unreasonable. Perhaps those are wrongs, and you can seek to remedy those things in the future. You can be sorry for those things. But you do not deserve to be hit. It's wrong. Don't let his wrong actions take away your right to value your life. See, lots of people will just say, "it's not your fault." But you don't believe them, because you lie to yourself and you think you deserved it because you did something 'wrong'. No. You may have done something wrong, but he will still ALWAYS be wrong. You leave.
  
  2. He cheats because he wants to, not because you're not good enough
  If he cheated on you, he's wrong. Period. End of story. He chose to cheat. He chose to lie, and break trust. His actions don't define you. He didn't cheat because of you. He didn't cheat because you weren't good enough. He chose to cheat and it's wrong. If there are things about yourself you'd like to improve, great. But if you even think for a second that you should improve so he won't want to cheat anymore, you're lying to yourself again. His actions don't define you. His dissatisfaction with his life, or his desire to go elsewhere to find something he thinks he is 'missing', doesn't change who you are. If there are problems in your relationship, they existed before and after he cheated, but his cheating doesn't mean you're not enough. It means he chose to be wrong. The worst thing a girl can think is that she can become 'better' so she's 'good enough' so he won't want to cheat anymore.
  
  If you want to improve your relationship. Great. If you want to improve yourself. Great. If you want to work it out. Fine. But his actions don't define you, and certainly neither does his LACK of cheating define you either. Trying to reclaim a sense of worth by attempting to become some kind of superstar gf that he won't cheat on doesn't work. If he was a real man, he would have broken up with you, and that's the right thing to do. Not every relationship is meant to work out. But he didn't. He chose to cheat. Now he's abusing you. He may even try to blame it on you. In fact, odds are he will. But then he'll try to 'be the bigger person' and want to 'work it out' because 'he still loves you'. You know what? He's trying to attach his actions to your worth. If he cheats, it's because you weren't worthy enough. If he cheats, it's because you weren't good enough. Wrong. He cheats because he chooses to. It defines only him. He is a part of the relationship, and his actions DO define your relationship (not that great, apparently), but they do NOT define you. Don't lie to yourself and think it does.
  
  3. The relationship failing does not mean you're not good enough for him
  Meet Mr. Perfect. He is everything a girl could dream of. He's well accomplished. He's pleasant. People find him funny. He's handsome. He's wants to date you. If the relationship doesn't work out, it must be because of you, right? Clearly it's not him, look how awesome he is. He just bleeds awesome everywhere and everyone thinks so. Oh, but wait, he only speaks Romulan and you only speak English (or Gringlish, whatever) [1]. Oh wait, he's straight and you're a really attractive lesbian [2]. Oh, that and he decided to move to Romulus and you live in LA [3]. Oh yeah, and he's 56 and you're 20 [4]. And don't forget that he wants to have 12 kids and you just want to finish college without having to push triplets out your hoo hah [5]. And he loves going to sporting events and hiking and you love attending art galleries and book readings [6]. And let's not forget that he has 2 PhD's in astrophysics and psychology, not to mention his law degree, and well, you're a skilled music major going to Julliard [7]. Oh, and finally, let's not forget that when you're around him you don't act like yourself because he's all of the above things, and well, you like to play with your food and hum show tunes in public and that embarrasses him [8]. Clearly it's because you're not good enough for him. The relationship is failing because of you. Because he's awesome.
  
  Nobody knows yet, but I just invoked the 8 stages right there (the bracketed numbers). They are: Compatibility, Sexual/Physical attraction, Environment, Similar Maturity Levels, Similar Expectations, Enjoyment, Intellectual Attraction, and finally, Makes You Better. A deal breaker in any one of these can kill a relationship.
  
  Just because someone is awesome, doesn't mean they match you. You are awesome too. You speak english, you're really attractive (lesbianism irrelevant to awesomeness), you live on earth in a great city (suburbs of LA, not downtown), you're 20, you want to finish college, you love art and literature, you're a skilled musician, and you do cute things like play with your food and hum without caring about who's listening. Your relationship failing does not mean you're not good enough. It just means you don't match him. Your relationship fails, YOU did not. If you want to be MORE awesome, GOOD FOR YOU. But it doesn't mean the relationship will suddenly work. Sometimes yes, there needs to be improvement and compromise. Other times, you're just NOT meant to be. So please stop lying to yourself and thinking that your failed relationship means you're not worth it. They don't always go together. Sometimes things just don't work out.
  
  
  So ladies, listen carefully. HE doesn't define YOU. You are your own person. Maybe you can improve. Maybe you can be less jealous, or thinner, or better in bed (or more often), or spend less money, or, maybe, just maybe, you can be you, and he can be him, and you can both decide that the relationship isn't working out. And next time maybe you'll find a guy whose best friend isn't his ex girlfriend, has a BMI in the normal range and therefore isn't thinner than you, treats you so well that you're so hot for him all the time where he starts buying viagra just to keep up with you, and isn't broke because his job strategy is to steal soda cans from neighborhood recycling bins. Maybe you do want to improve on those things, but it doesn't mean that when the relationship ends it is because you didn't meet whatever he was (good or bad). It just meant the relationship wasn't meant to be. Do improve. Do strive to be your best. Do strive to become more and more compatible. But if it fails, it doesn't mean you failed. It doesn't mean you're not worth it. It doesn't mean you're not good enough. Some things aren't meant to be.
  
  Get back out there and someday find the one you are meant to be with because you do match. And when that day comes, you both fight to be the best you can be, and you compromise and you struggle and you grow, and you learn to become perfect for each other. You don't start that way, you know. He doesn't define you. You define you. Be the best you can be, and the world cannot ask for more than that.
  
  P.S.
  I think pretty soon I'll post the 8 stages. It's really really REALLY long (even by my standards), but I think I'll post a short summarized version of it here, and I'll writeup the complete and full version and post it somewhere else in case anyone is interested in reading the full version (which right now stands at 16 pages or so, but it'll probably expand to much longer than that, possibly double). The full version is a guide to evaluating and scoring a relationship in the 8 stages (+ the X factor, Love, worth double, making the total score out of 100, -10 to +10 for each stage, and 0-20 for love), with an appendix on how you can improve each stage, and how long it takes to improve any stage by one full point (some are a matter of weeks, others are a matter of years). It'll also include a scoring table of all of the relationships I have scored, so you can see a preview of how some real couples rated their relationships. It might be nice to post the summarized version also because I can get some feedback and maybe adjust/add/append certain stages.
  

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