Tuesday, 27 January 2009

• A: LDRs and Online Relationships

  This post is tagged A, for Advice.
  
  Okay, I've done it, and a lot of people seem to be asking about it, so I'm going to talk about my experiences and what I've learned. It has been quite a journey.
  
  Originally I wanted to post the 8 stages before I did this post. The reason is because I'm going to reference them a lot here, and when I talk about "building a relationship backwards", I'm actually referring to the 8 stages and going through them somewhat in reverse. So, let's start with the 8 stages in short-hand, so I can refer to them by stage:
  
  1. Compatibility
  2. Sexual/Physical Attraction
  3. Environment
  4. Similar Maturity Levels
  5. Similar Expectations
  6. Enjoyment
  7. Intellectual Attraction
  8. Makes You Better
  X. Love
  
  Online dating is where I'm going to start. It's a great way to meet people, I must say, and at a glance, I'm going to say that it's just one more way in which to build social networks. I don't see a stigma with it, because to me (I did match.com) it's just another way to find and meet people. With match.com you build an online searchable profile, and you pick your own matches and they pick you, separately. It's not a 'matchmaking' service, where some computer or 3rd party (like mom or relatives) pick and set you up. You do it on your own. So when I say I did match.com, I mean that I did it in addition to other forms of social networking, going out with friends, going out with wingmen, and hitting up social hobbies. I believe this is the way it should be, balance.
  
  eHarmony on the other hand, I believe is a matchmaking service. First, a quick story, about my friend A: she's great, and she told me she did an eHarmony profile/massive questionnaire. They're supposed to guarantee something like 8+ matches, then they make you pay to see who they are or something. Whatever. I joked to her (but it's true) that I was rejected by no less than 40 or 50 women that I messaged over 3 months, only to get... ZERO responses. Not even a no thanks. She responded that out of their X million profiles to match her to, she received... ZERO MATCHES "we're sorry..." We then pondered briefly whether it was more insulting to be rejected by 40-50 real girls, or by a computer and a million guys. Feel free to leave your opinions in the comments. Moving on.
  
  I won't go into the details of my direct opinion of how online DATING works, but moreso, the CONSEQUENCES of pursuing an online RELATIONSHIP. If you're curious my opinion on the dating portion of it, just leave a comment and I may post on that later. Really this post is about long distance relationships, once you're already in one, or about to get into one, so here we go.
  
  If you look at the 8 stages, you'll notice that #2 is physical/sexual attraction. Now don't get me wrong, seeing someone's picture can get one all hot an bothered, but to really REALLY determine strictly physical chemistry, you kinda have to just try it. Odds are you can make it work one way or another, but it's not a given. I'm sure many people have made this stage, or even all 8 stages work when starting from an online relationship, and props to you, but my main point will be: you just got lucky. I'm GLAD you got lucky, but you did.
  
  When you start a long distance relationship, there's usually some kind of catalyst. Whether you met, had great chemistry, and then returned to your respective distant locations, or you read each other's Xangas, or were introduced by friends/family, it really doesn't matter. At the end, I will deal with LDRs that are the result of a regular relationship BECOMING long distance due to one or the other moving (ie: going away to college, the military, or returning to Mars). When you form a relationship online, you tend to start with stage 7 or 8, instead of 1 or 2. Think about it for a moment. Intellectual attraction. They make you better than you are. That is essentially what a Xanga crush is. You love each others writing, and they doubtlessly encourage you and support you in everything you blog about, which are likely some of your most intimate things anyway. In fact, if you haven't read my post that Secrets Are Like Sex, then read that now. No big deal, who said you had to do the 8 stages in order? Well, I wrote it, so I said you 'should', and you should listen to me, after all, I'm me. But in all honesty, that isn't the problem. The problem is that we continue moving backwards, SKIPPING stages.
  
  As you form your initial attraction based on 7 and 8, we then skip 6 completely (take my word for it), and as you get to know each other better, you land on stage 5. You start talking TO each other, directly. Finding out each others dreams and desires and most intimate things they want. This is very alluring. Why? Because you don't know these things about people in real life, until you've been with them a LONG TIME. But we're, moving backwards here. So we learn about those things FIRST. The more we discuss and learn about each other, the more likely we are to find out we also clear stage 4, similar maturity levels. Alright, we're doing good, right? We've only skipped one stage so far. That's really not all that bad.
  
  Then it stops. Stages 1, 2, and 3 do NOT develop (maybe some of stage 1, but that's it). Stage 3 deals with getting along with his friends and family, stage 2 is obvious, and stage 1 is everything else. X factor (love) is not a stage, and develops over time regardless.
  
  Herein lies the problem. Because a relationship that is only long distance and online limits which stages you can move through (8, 7, 5, 4, and some of 1), those 5 stages will continue to improve over time. Your scores may very well all approach all 9s, or close to. You will score better with your long distance significant other in these stages than in any other relationship you've ever developed, because very few relationships in real life ever survive long enough to build these late stages. You will realize that what you have with your online SO you've never felt before and even close to feeling or having. You might even stay perfectly content with stages 2, 3, and 6 being completely non-existent, because they simply don't exist.
  
  You've now developed a completely unbalanced relationship. In many the same ways that a relationship built entirely on stages 1-3 (great sex lives and get along well with you and your friends), or one built ENTIRELY on 2 (just a great sex life) is unhealthy, so is yours. For regular relationships, however, they've had the CHANCE to move on to later stages, and the fact that they don't, means they expire in due time. An online relationship, however, will NOT experience normal expiration. Instead it will continue to flourish in its limited stages, until you finally close the gap and move physically closer to one another. And here's where it gets interesting.
  
  You have suddenly opened the doors to all 8 stages, but you're have EXTREMELY high scores in some of them (possibly including X factor, Love), and NO SCORE in 3 of them. It's not that you have a LOW score, it's that you have no score at ALL. If you're lucky, you'll find that you score okay in those other 3 stages, and you work on building them like anyone else. These are the online relationships that end up working out just fine. You have the strength of your love and intellectual attraction to hold you together while you work out the rest.
  
  But what if you find that you score REALLY POORLY in one or more of those other stages? This happens. It might be 2, it might be 3, it might be 6, it might be all of them. What happens is that there is now a HUGE disparity between your happiness in some aspects of your relationship which are SO solidly developed, and these 'new' aspects. We can't help but draw comparisons. Whether you're in a regular relationship now and compared it to a former long distance one, or vice versa, you will think to yourself, "gee, when I was this far in my other relationship, these things were ALREADY SO GREAT, but in this one, they blow". It will cause much angst and strife in your otherwise FANTASTIC relationship.
  
  This unbalance is awful. On the one hand you have these connections you've never ever felt so deeply. On the other hand, you have these dissatisfactions that drive you utterly insane. You may find yourself blissfully happy one day, and resentful and doubtful the next. This is what happens in unbalanced relationships. Emotional rollar coasters.
  
  Take heart, there is hope. As long as you understand and expect there to be some unbalance between the different parts of your relationship, you can learn to deal with them. You will have to reset your expectations for those pieces of your relationship to ground zero, and learn to use what IS great in your relationship to massage what IS STILL developing. Yes, perhaps he's an awful kisser and he doesn't know that you're allergic to goldfish crackers (which is ironic, because that's how he kisses), but you can work through them and fight to raise those stages. The good news is that stages 2 and 6 are relatively easy to raise by a point (6 months and 1 week, respectively). The bad news is that stage 3 is unbelievably difficult to raise by a point (2 years, after any initial gains from moving near each other). But if the rest of your relationship is as strong as they should be by this point in time, then you can try to work through them. If you find that those things ARE improving, slowly, then you're on the track to a great relationship that stemmed from long distance or an online romance. If you find those things are NOT improving... it's time to go back to being friends (or start anew as friends) and move on with your life. It's incredibly difficult to give up a relationship that has such high marks in so many 'end game' stages, but not every relationship is meant to work out, and unfortunately, you didn't find out until late in the game.
  
  The real lesson is this:
  
  1. Know that you're building an unbalanced relationship in that some things are developing fantastically, and others are completely non-existent
  2. Know that you WILL have to figure out eventually, whether or not the rest of the aspects of a great relationship work for the two of you, or not
  3. If they do NOT work, and you CANNOT make them work, understand that it's okay, not every relationship is meant to last forever, even if it may be some of the best times and closest you've ever felt to another person.
  4. To be honest, the best thing is to try and close distance as quickly as possible, the better to quickly start developing all aspects to your relationship, and to prevent it from becoming too unbalanced.
  
  Finally, for those of you moving FROM a regular relationship INTO a long distance one, you need to realize that you will HALT stages 1, 2, 3, and 6 from developing. They will stay exactly as they are (or possibly even drop, over time). You will miss them tremendously. You will then find yourself relying on LATER stages that MAY NOT YET EVEN EXIST in your relationship. If they DO already exist, are they STRONG enough to hold you together while the rest goes on hold? If yes, then your long distance relationship may work out. If they are NOT strong enough, then your relationship will FAIL, and it will be a long drawn out and painful process, for the same reasons as above. High marks in some categories, and low marks in others, deleriously happy when you see each other, and miserable the rest. Sorry, it's not meant to be. Finally, if you've never developed those later stages in the first place, then it'll be hit or miss, just like going from long distance to close, you'll be taking a risk that those unknowns will be good AND strong enough to rely on. Is it worth it to do this? Maybe. If you already have a fully 8 staged relationship, yes, it's worth the risk. If you do not... well, you may linger and struggle for months fruitlessly. Is it worth the try? Perhaps, so you'll never have to wonder about it, but know that you may need to fight your way out when it doesn't work. That may still be better than not knowing though.
  
  Do online relationships work? Sure. They definitely can. There are a lot of pitfalls to avoid, however, and they can STRONGLY color your perceptions of future relationships. Once you've built a relationship backwards, you will struggle to find in real life that same quickness and strength of later stages too early. You'll miss it tremendously, and find it difficult to be satisfied with a normal progression of a relationship forwards through the 8 stages. It's not impossible to successfully build a relationship backwards (think: overcoming 'the friend zone'), but it's not easy. But if you are in an online/long distance relationship, know when to get out, even if you've already closed the distance gap. Not every relationship is meant to work out, and that applies regardless of how strong any 1 stage is... even love.
  
  I'll leave you with some wise quotes that I stumbled across using google:
  
  Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.
                   --Comte DeBussy-Rabutin
  
  http://www.gagirl.com/quotes/absence.html
  
  

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